This one is about your self-talk habits. You know the ones when you ask yourself questions
like, “How could I be so stupid? ” or, “OMG what a screw-up! Could I not make a bigger mess
of things? ” or, “Why do I do this to myself? I’m such an idiot!”
Yes, labeling is definitely going on here, but this is different. This is all about your expectations
of yourself and how you talk to yourself when you fail to meet them.
Even with the loving-kindness and labeling practices, my expectations of myself continued to
run high. My inner critic loved beating up on me for every mistake, failure, or setback, real or
imagined. Then one day, a little voice made itself heard, “Not being very kind to yourself, are
you?”
So leaning heavily on my loving-kindness practice, I struggled to be more tolerant of my
mistakes. Asking myself questions that would produce a more positive response was a big
help.
For example: “Nothing is a total failure. There has to be something positive about this. What is
it?” Or, “Is this really a mistake? Did I really screw up? Is it possible the outcome is
acceptable?”
Think about those harsh ways you talk to yourself and the questions you ask that belittle you.
They may be old reruns of taunts and questions other people used on you to make you feel
ashamed or to justify punishing you.
• Replace them with questions that explore the circumstances of your
mistake or setback. Remember to look for anything that could be
construed as positive. Doing so will help you reform your demanding
expectations.
• Sometimes, positives can be hard to find. That’s when you really want
to be nice to yourself. Do extra loving-kindness practices, and then
ask yourself what you’ve learned from what happened.
• Experience can be a harsh teacher. Owning up to what you’ve learned
may not be an easy pill to swallow. There may not be a spoonful of
sugar to help it go down, but it’s certainly more desirable than
beating yourself up, isn’t it?
• Small Changes Have Large Impacts
• These changes are small but powerful because they open you up to
possibilities that you may not have considered previously.
• They help you stop being victimized by your own expectations by treating
yourself more kindly, by helping you realize that judging other people is
closely aligned with the labels and limitations you put on yourself, and by
helping you see the positives in supposed failures and cut yourself some
slack.
• Changing habits of thought and behaviors is challenging, but if I can do this,
you certainly can!
• It all begins with a practice taking less than a minute, six times a day. It’s a
small practice of showering yourself with loving-kindness.
• It’s easy to start. It’s easy to do. Just repeat after me:
• “May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be held in loving-kindness. May
I realize loving-kindness as my essence.”