EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Peter Drucker
I no longer teach the management of people at work, I believe that self management is the primary skill for success at work.

We need to explore how good we are at using our Thinking to manage our Emotions and our Emotions to guide our Thinking

What do we learn?
What do we mean by Emotional Intelligence? Why should we care about it? A framework for EI Identifying strengths and development areas Developing Emotional Intelligence

The ability to manage ones emotions and to manage ones interactions with others is tantamount to effective managerial leadership

Emotions

Emotion is defined as a subjective feeling usually accompanied by physiological reactions that lead to behavioral change.

What are Emotions Emotions?

High Arousal

Positive Emotion

Negative Emotion

Relaxation

Just how many emotions are there?

TYPES OF EMOTIONS
PLEASANT People enjoy feeling such pleasant emotions as love, happiness, and contentment. UNPLEASANT People try to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions, such as loneliness, worry, and grief.

THE FIVE CORE EMOTIONS

AND THE INTENSITY

EXAMPLES OF..
Pleasant Emotions
pleasure enthusiasm mastery excitement confidence happiness joy love

Unpleasant Emotions
fear anxiety hate irritation jealousy frustration guilt anger

EI IS LEARNABLE

Discomfort Frustration

Conscious Incompetence

Conscious competence

Not yet Habitual

Blissful Ignorance

Unconscious Incompetence

Unconscious competence

Auto Pilot

What is Emotional Intelligence? Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to:
recognise that we have emotions name them Manage them choose how to behave.

Around 350 BC, Aristotle wrote,

"Anyone can become angry -- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way that is not easy."

EI is the ability to:

1. 2. 3. Accurately identify emotions Use emotions to help you think Understand what causes emotions order to

4. Manage to stay open to these emotions in understand our feelings

Why should we care?

EFFECTS of decreasing emotional competence:
Withdrawal and social problems Anxiety and depression Attention or thinking problems Misbehavior and aggression

Positive BENEFITS of developing EI:

Increases interpersonal competency Adaptability Stress management Improves academic performance Fewer serious discipline problems Better school attendance Increases acceptance among peers

Positive BENEFITS of developing EI:

Increases cooperation Improves classroom relationships. Increases student focus/attention Improves teacher/student relationships Improves student learning Enhances collaborative work Increases positive verbal statements

Importance of EI
IQ contributes about 20% to the factors that determine life success, which leaves 80% to other forces i.e. one s EQ.

It make us a better people person .

Myths about EI
There is no place for emotions in life; facts are more solid EI involves telling everyone how you feel all of the time Intelligent people do not need emotional intelligence. We should only focus on positive emotions, not negative ones

EI is just another soft skills fad with nothing new to offer

The Four EI Skills

Personal Competence

Self Awareness

Self Management

Social Competence

Social Awareness

Relationship Management

The Four EI Skills

Self Management Self Awareness Personal Competence
Emotional self-awareness Accurate self-assessment Self-confidence Self-control Trustworthiness Conscientiousness Adaptability Achievement drive initiative

Social Awareness
Empathy Service orientation

Relationship Management
Developing others Influence Communication Conflict management Leadership Change catalyst Building bonds Team work & collaboration

Social Competence

Organizational awareness

Self-Awareness:
If you don't know how feel, who does?
is a persons ability to accurately recognize his/her emotions as they happen and understand general tendencies for responding to different people and situations.

you

How to become aware?

Knowing the feeling is present

Acknowledging the feeling

Identifying the feeling

Accepting the feeling

Reflecting on the feeling

Forecasting feelings

Self Management..
is using awareness of ones emotions to choose what one says and do to positively direct ones behavior

Building Personal Competence

Rather than avoiding a feeling, your goal should be to move toward it, into it, and eventually through it.
When you ignore or minimize an emotion, no matter how small or insignificant, you miss the opportunity to do something productive with it.

Social Awareness..
is recognizing and understanding the emotions and experiences of other individuals including entire groups of people.

Relationship Management..
is ones ability to use awareness of ones own emotions and the emotions of others to manage interactions successfully.

CHARACTERISTICS OF PEOPLE WITH HIGH AND LOW EI

People with low EI

Don't take responsibilities for their feelings. Can't put together three word sentences starting with "I feel..." Can't tell you why they feel the way they feel. Attack you, blame you, command, criticize, & advise you. Interrupt you. Have no empathy. Are defensive.

 Exaggerate or minimize their feelings. Do not consider your feelings before acting. Act out their feelings, rather than talk them out. Are insensitive to your feelings. Frequently feel disappointed, bitter or victimized. Frequently feel inadequate, dumb, or stupid-- or are afraid of appearing so. Frequently either complain, or pretend nothing is wrong.

A person with high EI:

Expresses his feelings clearly and directly. Is able to read non-verbal communication. Balances feelings with reason, logic, and reality. Feels empowered. Does what he does because he wants to do it. Is interested in other people's feelings. Is comfortable talking about feelings. Is able to identify multiple feelings.

 Is happier, healthier, and more successful in his/her relationships. High EQ person exhibits all of the following:
A balance between emotion and reason An awareness of their own feelings Empathy and compassion for others Signs of high self-esteem

Can Emotional Intelligence be developed?

:YES..!9

Everyone has emotional intelligence. For most of us, it's an underdeveloped area and an untapped resource.

Developing Your Emotional Intelligence

TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS

1. Keep a diary
Ask yourself every day: What am I feeling right now? What do I want? How am I acting?

Make a note of it in your diary.

2. Focus on the feeling not the event

Use three word sentences beginning with "I feel".

Start labeling feelings; stop labeling people & situations

SAY..
"I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous." I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk." "I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like an idiot."

3. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.

Thoughts:
I feel like... I feel as if.... I feel that

Feelings:
I feel: (feeling word)

SAY..
THOUGHT:
I feel like crying.

FEELING:
I feel sad.

THOUGHT:
I feel like hitting someone.

FEELING:
I feel angry.

4. Step into their shoes

Acknowledging the other person's feelings Identifying the feelings Offering to listen Helping them label the feelings Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally Feeling patient Feeling accepting and non-judgmental

5. Take more responsibility for your feelings.

Analyze your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people.

SAY..
"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous." I feel irritated. vs. You are irritating me.

6. Use your feelings to help make decisions

Ask yourself..
"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't?" "How do I feel?" "What would help me feel better?

Ask others..
"How do you feel? "What would help you feel better?"

7. Use feelings to help show respect for others.

Ask others..
How will you feel if I do this? How will you feel if I don't?

Then listen and consideration.

take

their

feelings

into

8. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.

Instead, try to just listen with empathy and nonjudgment by:

Giving your full attention; stop other tasks Allowing long pauses before asking questions; be patient Attempting to identify the underlying feelings
"It sounds like you felt disappointed..." "How did you feel when ... "

 Not interrupting, conclusions

evaluating

or

jumping

to

Showing understanding and connection "I understand." "I see." "I know how you feel." "I have felt that way, too." Using eye contact Showing interest by nodding, "uh huh's", etc.

9. Positive Feedback
Increase positive feedback to yourself, to others.

Learn to reframe negatives.

Increase your appreciation of yourself and others.

10. Do a self-evaluation
Become more aware of your body language and nonverbal communication.

Try to notice when your words are not congruent with your feelings or intentions.

MANAGING NEGATIVE FEELINGS

 Ask: why something bothers you. Consider the possibility that some of your beliefs might be dysfunctional and remember that beliefs can be changed. Remember that accepting responsibility helps release bitterness. Re-frame the situation as an opportunity for personal growth. Change some of your demands and expectations into preferences to make them less emotionally powerful and addictive.

HOW CAN I DEAL WITH MY ANGER?

Tools to Tame a Temper:

Self-Awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why.

Self-Control is all about thinking before you act.

The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger

1) Identify the problem

2) Think of potential solutions before responding

3) Consider the consequences of each solution

4) Make a decision

5) Check your progress

1) Identify the problem (self-awareness)

Ask yourself:
What's got me angry? What am I feeling and why? For example: "I'm really angry at Mom because she won't let me go to the party until I clean my room. It's not fair!" Notice that this is not the same as saying, "Mom's so unfair to me."

2) Think of potential solutions before responding (self-control)

Ask yourself:
What can I do? Think of at least three things. For example, in the previous situation how might you think?

3) Consider the consequences of each solution (think it through)

Ask yourself:
What will happen for each one of these options?

4) Make a decision (pick one of your options)

Ask yourself:
What's my best choice? Once you choose your solution, then it's time to act.

5) Check your progress

Ask yourself:
How did I do? Did things work out as I expected? If not, why not? Am I satisfied with the choice I made?

Other Ways to Manage Anger

Exercise Listen to music Write down your thoughts and emotions Draw Meditate or practice deep breathing Talk about your feelings with someone you trust Distract yourself

MINI EQ TEST

1. When you're feeling depressed and a friend asks how you are feeling, are you more likely to answer: Fine. I don't know. Alright, I guess. You don't want to know. I feel depressed.

2. When your partner does something which upsets you, are you more likely to say: You shouldn't have... You really hurt my feelings. I felt hurt by that.

3. When someone points out a mistake, are you more likely to: Defend yourself. Find something wrong with the other person or their logic. Thank the person.

4. When facing a scary situation are you more likely to: Worry about it. Try to avoid thinking about it. Hope that it will go away. Estimate the probability of your fears coming true and begin focusing on your options.

5. When someone reacts strongly to something you say, are you more likely to: Think they are too sensitive. Tell them you were just kidding. Apologize and ask them what bothered them about what you said.

1. High EQ suggests that you can identify and express your feelings. 2. High EQ suggests that you take responsibility for your feelings by saying "I feel..." instead of "You shouldn't have..." 3. If you have high EQ, you are not easily threatened by criticism, so you don't feel the need to defend yourself or attack the other person. Instead, you are always willing to listen and learn from other people. 4. High EQ suggests you address your fears using reason, rather than avoiding them or letting them paralyze you. 5. High EQ people empathize with others' feelings, acknowledge them, and seek to help soothe them.

In Summary
EI comprises a set of skills, qualities that are not fixed in the same way that some people believe about IQ or personality Developing emotional competence can reduce some of the problem outcomes It can also play a role in more fulfilling relationships, career and life experiences