Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST, The porn trap: the essential guide to overcoming problems caused

by pornography (HarperCollins e-book)

Pornografi adalah materi seksual apa pun yang dimaksudkan atau digunakan sebagai jalan keluar
seksual. Tujuan pornografi adalah membangkitkan gairah seksual dan terutama melibatkan
pengguna berelasi seksual dengannya. Kekuatan pornografi berasal dari kemampuannya untuk
memberikan rangsangan seksual dan kenikmatan langsung.1 Kekuatan tersembunyi
pornografi:kodratnya yang elusif (sulit dipahami), ketersediaannya, gaya dan bentuk yang
menggoda, menawarkan pengalaman kenikmatan yang luar biasa.2
1. Mengubah unsur kimia otak, yaitu merangsang dopamine. Pornografi juga meningkatkan
produksi adrenalin, endorphin, dan serotonin. Pornografi mempu membuat pikiran
mengulangi rangsangan seksual itu di waktu lain. Pornografi merangsang pikiran untuk
merangsang tubuhnya.
2. Membangkitkan insting seksual sehingga pria mudah ereksi dan perempuan mudah
basah. Pornografi membuat tidak ada perbedaan antara melihat materi seksual di layar
atau riil. Masturbasi sambil menonton video porno serasa bercinta dengan pasangan riil.
3. Pornografi membuat kita berkuasa karena kita yang mengendalikan yaitu dengan
memutar videonya. Para artis akan bermain untuk kita.
Awal mengenal pornografi
Meskipun pornografi dikategorikan sebagai konten dewasa, tetapi rata-rata kita mengenalnya
saat usia 11 tahun.3 Masa kanak-kanan adalah masa yang formatif dan rentan, masa ketika sikap-
sikap kita dibentuk dan menjadi akar dari kelakuan kita. Eksposur prematur tentang materi
seksual yang dimaksudkan untuk orang dewasa ini adalah masalah yang cepat menjadi
pandemi.4 Reaksi terhadap exposure pertama bisa berbeda-beda, tergantung pada jenis kelamin,
nilai agama, harapan keluarga, dan lingkungan sosial.5
Sikap orangtua terhadap anak kecilnya yang terpapar pornografi: sebaiknya tidak memarahinya
karena dengan begitu anak akan terbiasa menyembunyikan pergulatannya. Sebaiknya orang tua
mengajak anak untuk mendiskusikan, memberikan penjelasan yang benar kepada anak.6
Panduan pertanyaan untuk mengetahui pertama kali melihat pornografi: pada usia berapa kamu
melihat pornografi? Seperti apa lingkunganmu berada? Apakah kamu menonton sendiri atau
dengan orang lain? Jenis pornografi apa yang kamu tonton? Gaya seksual macam apa yang kamu
tonton? Apa reaksi langsungmu? Apa yang kamu rasakan? Apakah kamu berminat, bingung,
resah, malu, takut, terangsang, jijik, marah, lega, sedih, dll.? Apakah kamu membicarakan
dengan orang lain tentang pengalaman itu? Jika iya, bagaimana reaksi mereka? Jika tidak,
bagaimana rasanya membawa “pengetahuan rahasia” ini? Apakah lalu kamu ingin mencari hal
yang sama secara lebih lagi? Apakah ada hal-hal yang mengganggumu tentang exposure
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pertama, seperti seberapa muda Anda, jenis-jenis pornografi yang kamu tonton, siatuasi dirimu,
yang kamu harapkan berbeda? Mengapa?7

Why is it that a porn user who has gotten to the place in his life where he strongly wants to quit
can have so many competing feelings in trying to do so?
The starting point in answering these questions is to understand the key concepts of ambivalence
and motivation. Ambivalence is the coexistence of opposing attitudes and feelings within an
individual. Although the person may think he has made a decision, there is a mental conflict that
brings about uncertainty about his choice. Ambivalence is a very normal human experience that
universally occurs whenever we are trying to quit something that has given us pleasure,
excitement, or fulfillment in the past.yang tidak tahan dengan ambivalensi ini akan gagal
berhenti dari adiksi.8 to be resolved. It means the thoughts and feelings of “I want to quit using
porn” have to significantly outweigh the thoughts and feelings of “I want to use porn.”
Motivation is not only having the desire and willingness to accomplish something, it requires
directing your behavior in a clear and focused way, with intensity and persistence, to achieve a
desired goal.
four strategies that are essential in helping to resolve ambivalence and strengthen and sustain
motivation to quit porn.
1. Sadari masalah-masalah yang timbul karena pornografi
acknowledging the problems that porn use has resulted in
for you and others brings these problems into conscious awareness and
consequently can go a long way in helping to neutralize denial. Talking with a trusted
friend or counselor about
current and potential problems, writing down your experiences and concerns
in a journal, and taking regular time for self-reflection can be helpful.

How Porn Is a Problem for Me9

Set aside an hour when you won’t be distracted by anything else to
answer the following questions:
1. What problems has porn caused me in the past?
2. What problems am I experiencing today because of my porn
use?
3. How has porn changed me in ways I don’t like?
4. How does my porn use hurt my intimate partner and others?
5. What problems could occur in the future if I continue to use
porn?
2. Temukan hal yang paling berharga untukmu
Another compelling way to strengthen and maintain your motivation to
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 quit porn is to be honest with yourself about how using porn prevents
you from living up to your core values and beliefs and meeting your life
goals. First take the time to identify what you really want out of life, what principles you
believe in, what kind of contribution you want to make to your family and your
community, and how you want others to think of you.
What Really Matters to Me
The following questions can help you identify your values, beliefs, and
goals. In answering these questions in writing, you can become more
consciously aware of what’s important to you. Make sure to give yourself
plenty of time to really contemplate and explore your principles
and ideas. Be as concise or elaborate with your answers as you like.
1. What are the top six things that matter most to me in my life?
2. What personal goals do I want to achieve?
3. What are the morals and values I believe in?
4. What are my religious or spiritual beliefs?
5. Who is most important to me in my life and how do I want to treat
him or her?
6. What personal traits do I want to convey to others?
7. How would I like to contribute to the lives of people I care about?
8. How would I like to contribute to my community and society?
9. In what ways does porn use conflict with my values, beliefs, and life
goals?
Tuliskan keinginanmu dengan rumusan: aku ingin menjadi orang yang.... (supaya sadar
bahwa pornografi merintangi cita-cita itu).
3. Hadapi ketakutan-ketakutanmu
porn users with the strongest emotional and sexual attachments to porn often have the
most fear when faced with quitting. Identifying and being able to admit your particular
fears about quitting porn is an important first step in ultimately resolving those fears.
Ketakutan-ketakutan:
I’m afraid of getting angry and upset.
I’m afraid no one will understand and be able to help me.
I’m afraid I will fail if I try to quit.
I’m afraid of having less enjoyment in sex.
I’m afraid of feeling sexually frustrated.
I’m afraid I’ll get involved with even riskier sexual behaviors.
I’m afraid of feeling “less of a man” or less sexually liberated.
I’m afraid no one will understand and be able to help me.
I’m afraid I will fail if I try to quit.
Other
I’m afraid of becoming depressed.
I’m afraid of feeling lonely.
I’m afraid of getting stressed out.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to masturbate without it.
 I’m afraid of losing my sense of sexual power.
I’m afraid of losing interest in sex.
I’m afraid of becoming more dependent on my partner for sex.
I’m afraid I’ll have to tell others about my problem and they’ll
reject me.
4. Take responsibility for your own recovery
the most important mental preparation you can do to stay motivated to successfully break
free of the porn trap is to take full responsibility for your own recovery. It’s very difficult
to stay motivated if you believe you are quitting for someone else, or because you’ve
been pressured into the decision and don’t feel you are in control of your choice. Change
has to start from within. You are in charge of coming up with the plan, executing the
maneuvers, setting and following the rules, picking yourself up, and trying something
new when you encounter setbacks, and rewarding yourself for your successes.
When they notice they are telling themselves things like, “I have to use porn,” “I have no
control over it,” or “I’ll never make it,” they quickly counter the thoughts with more
positive statements, such as, “I can do anything I set my mind to do,” “I know where to
get the help I need,” or “I’ve made big changes in the past and I can do it again.”

The six basic action steps in quitting porn are:10

1. Tell someone else about your porn problem
By talking openly and honestly with another person
about your problem you automatically weaken your connection to porn.
The need to lie and deceive feels less necessary.
2. Get involved in a treatment program
3. Create a porn-free environment
4. Establish twenty-four-hour support and accountability
Taking a deep breath and counting to ten may work for some people. Berbicara dengan orang
yang kamu percaya (konselor, imam, dll.).
5. Take care of your physical and emotional health
6. Start healing your sexuality

DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

Perbedaan
Porn-related Sex Healthy Sex
Sex is using someone Sex is caring for someone
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 Sex is “doing to” someone
Sex is a performance for others
Sex is compulsive
Sex is a public commodity
Sex is watching others
Sex is separate from love
Sex can be hurtful
Sex is emotionally distant
Sex can happen anytime
Sex is unsafe
Sex can be degrading
Sex can be irresponsible
Sex is devoid of morality
Sex lacks healthy communication
Sex involves deception
Sex is based on visual imagery
Sex has no ethical limits
Sex requires a double life
Sex compromises your values
Sex feels shameful
Sex is impulse gratification
Sex is sharing with a partner
Sex is a private experience
Sex is a natural drive
Sex is a personal treasure
Sex is about genuine connection
Sex is an expression of love
Sex is nurturing
Sex is emotionally close
Sex requires certain conditions
Sex is safe
Sex is always respectful
Sex is approached responsibly
Sex requires morals and values
Sex requires healthy communication
Sex requires honesty
Sex involves all the senses
Sex has ethical boundaries
Sex enhances who you really are
Sex reflects your values
Sex enhances self-esteem
Sex is lasting satisfaction

PORN- RELAPSE
TRIGGER TERRITORY
Being vulnerable to relapse
LEVEL 1 -THINKING ABOUT USING PORN
LEVEL 2 - ACCESSING PORN (Making sensory contact with porn)
LEVEL 3 - USING PORN AS A SEXUAL OUTLET (Full-scale relapse)
You can effectively reverse a relapse by implementing the following five-part intervention:
1. Stop what you are doing and admit you have entered a danger zone
2. Get away from porn thoughts and materials
3. Calm yourself physiologically and emotionally
4. Reach out for supportive help as quickly as possible
5. Reaffirm your commitment to your recovery
Cara baru seksualitas
being intimate with a real partner